When you were eight years old, your mother decided what you wore to a party and what you ate when dining out. Now, when you are all of twenty eight, she still criticizes your choice of clothes and wants to have a say in how you spend the money you earn.
Is this normal “motherly” behavior or do you have a controlling mother? Well, it is hard to say, but when mothers see their children as mere extensions of their own selves and not as individuals in their own right, they are likely to be controlling mothers.
If you happen to be in a relationship where your mother plays a major role in your life and you resent this behavior, it makes sense to try and understand this important question: Why are some mothers so controlling?
How To Deal With A Controlling Mother
Wrong Idea of Needs
If your mother was herself brought up by a controlling motherwho gave no importance to the child’s needs, she is probably following the same process.
Without ever having done something on her own, she does not realize that you are capable of managing by yourself; some controlling mothers may even feel they are shirking their duty when they do not constantly watch over you.
Having an unclear idea of where her identity ends and your identity begins, can lead a mother to be controlling.
Losing a husband through death or divorce or having an uncommunicative spouse can make some mothers feel lonely. This causes them to focus too much on the children, in a bid to get over their loneliness.
Such mothers keep themselves busy and avoid their feeling of being alone by watching over you and telling you what to do and what not to do.
If your mother is finding it difficult to cope with insecurity in her life, she may be trying to feel secure by trying to control you. Perhaps she has faced the death of a loved spouse, a parent, a sibling or a close friend in an accident or an illness. This leaves her full of grief and fear of what the future holds and this anxiety makes her want to control the one thing that she can – you.
Mothers who have an inflated sense of their own importance tend to think they know best about what is good for you. In their eyes, no matter how old you are or what your achievements may be, you are still the little child who cannot know better than her. In the bid to show you she is better and wiser than you, she ends up trying to control every aspect of your life.
However, before you dismiss your mother as being controlling, it is important to view the points she makes without any prejudice. If your mother says your best friend is just taking advantage of you, do not dismiss it blindly because she says so; assess if there is some value in what she says.
Mothers have a wisdom gained from years of experience and the things they point out may be unpalatable to hear. Therefore, getting mad at them and labeling those “controlling mothers” is not the solution.
Rather, you ought to use your discretion to see if there is any truth in the things they advise. If this logic takes you nowhere, the least you can do is to understand the underlying reason for why your mother is so controlling and learn to live with it.
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