The Wrong Man Again
June 2, 2009
Everyone we come into contact with when we’re young and forming our identity has an impact on our partner choices as we grow older. We gather information, and develop ideas of what we want in a partner during this time.
Unfortunately, in accepting the positive, we also settle for the negative when choosing a partner. Sometimes we’re attracted to people with difficulties similar to our own, or who have been hurt in similar ways, and embark on a journey to find someone that will help us sort ourselves out.
Psychotherapist Dr. Haville Hendrix suggests in the book “Getting the Love You Want and Keeping the Love You Find” that we tend to fall in love with someone that embodies both the positive and negative traits of our parents.
Dr. Hendrix’s theory may explain why we seem to be attracted to people with similar traits time after time. If these relationships end shortly after they begin, it can be both confusing and frustrating.
After a number of bad relationships, you may begin to wonder how you can stop falling for the wrong person. Here’s a simple evaluation you can use to figure things out.
First, take a piece of paper and create four columns down its length. Next, write the names of your old partners at the top of each column. Under each name, write down the answer to the following questions:
• How did you meet?
• What did he/she look like?
• What first attracted you to him/her?
• What did you first say to each other?
• How did you spend your first few dates together?
Now think about when you began to notice something wasn’t right. Attempt to identify the problems that caused the breakup.
Under each former partner’s name, list every positive and negative trait you can remember. Try ranking each positive from favorite to least liked, and the negatives from least disliked to most irritating.
The next step is to put a star on every negative trait they have in common, and underline the positives your former partners share.
Next, take another piece of paper and divide it in half horizontally. The upper half is to be used to list the positive traits shared by your past partners, underlining any of them you identify as most common in the people you are attracted to. On the lower half, repeat the process for the negative traits, using a star instead of underlining.
This should illuminate for you the kind of person you’re unconsciously drawn to. Keeping this information in mind, you should be able to decide if you’re truly happy with your previous relationships, or if you need to make a change.
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