As divorce rates across the world increase, it becomes more and more important to understand what makes marriages fall apart. What is it that makes people who once felt attracted to each other, feel the need to get away from each other? While there are definitely many causes for divorces, there is one root cause that is definitely a common factor amongst most failed marriages. It is this factor that I will talk about in this article.
Root Cause Of Divorce In Marriages
The Fundamental Differences Between Men And Women
The root cause of most divorces lies in not respecting how nature essentially makes men and women different. Initially, men and women feel drawn to each other because of many opposite characteristics they possess. For instance, a woman might feel attracted to the spontaneity of a man while a man may love listening to a woman talking for hours together. When couples fall in love, they love the differences between each other.
As time passes, however, slowly, both men and women start expecting the other person to act as if they belonged to the same sex. Women start expecting men to react to situations as if ‘they were women’ while men start treating their wives as if they were their ‘guy friends’. This causes arguments and fights.
Men and women have many fundamental differences that need to be accepted for a successful marriage. Not appreciating the differences between men and women is what leads to disagreements that keep on increasing with time.
Some Examples of Differences Between Men and Women
Let us look at some examples of how men and women are fundamentally unique. Women love talking and sharing experiences just for the sake of sharing. Men on the other hand share only when they need solutions. You can see how this difference creates problems between men and women. Women share assuming that men will listen and understand them. However, as soon as they start sharing, men start giving them solutions – women hate this!
Another common difference is that men like being given advice when they ask for it. On the other hand, women love giving advice and being given advice when they don’t ask for it. So, when a man is not talking about his problems, he does not want advice. On the other hand a woman does not want advice when she is talking about her problems – she wants it at other times when she is not talking about them.
There are many more differences that make men and women fundamentally different. In his book Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus, author John Gray states that men primarily get motivated by a sense of achievement while women are motivated by a sense of connection. This means that men love solving a problem, achieving a goal or making a clear, concrete difference while women love sharing, connecting and expressing more.
I have over-generalized the tendencies of men and women to clarify my point. However, the point to note is that if a man or woman does not understand these and other fundamental differences, he or she will not feel loved or cared for in the way he or she wants it.
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Accepting Men As Men And Women As Women
If you are currently struggling in your marriage or even thinking about a divorce, one thing you can try – is to consciously identify traits in your partner which are common man-woman traits.
Have a discussion with your partner in which you ask him or her what he or she does not like about you. Similarly, tell him or her what you do not like about him or her. However, this time, instead of turning it into an argument – write down each of these things on paper.
Generalize these differences and instead of taking these accusations personally, understand that most of these differences are the general differences between men and women! If you are a woman for instance, then label the things your partner does not like about you as – ‘the things men don’t like about women’. Label what you don’t like about your partner as ‘the things women don’t like about men’.
In the happiest marriages, both partners understand completely that the other person will not behave like a person of the same sex. It is just the way men and women are – so why not accept these differences?
Do Not Personalize Your Issues – Generalize Them
Most couples make the mistake of thinking that their partner is the problem. This personalizes their issues and that causes even greater resentment.
Imagine this – just like your marriage, there are thousands or maybe even hundreds of thousands of marriages across the world that are going through troubled times. If only your partner was at fault, why would so many people across the world be suffering just like you.
There may be individual differences too, but at the core of relationships not working lies the fundamental non-acceptance of women by men and of men by women. Therefore, understand that your problem may indeed be a much more general problem than you thought.
Make A List Of Differences To Accept Today
Now that you understand that the fundamental differences between men and women may be causing a rift in your marriage, take action today. Start by writing down the differences between you and your partner (and the points about him that you don’t like) and generalizing them. As you make this list, try to figure out how you can accept the opposite sex as they are. Then, discuss this list with your partner.
Accepting women as women and men as men takes hard work for the opposite sex. But, this is just how things are. Instead of denying that any differences exist, embrace them and work around them. Just as physical differences between men and women are simply accepted and respected, accept the emotional and behavioural differences too.
There may indeed be an alternative to divorce – accepting differences by understanding that they are general (for all members of the opposite sex) and not necessarily specific.