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Five Rules For a Healthy Fight With Spouse
There are numerous reasons for husband and wives to fight with each other and it is very common too. The truth behind all these fights is that they are necessary to keep our marriage healthy. We have heated arguments on petty things like where will we go for vacation or who will go to pick up the kids from creche’.
This is the time we feel why do we fight so much and that too on small and petty things. We never realise the importance of these small fights they are absolutely normal and keep our relationship ticking. If the cause of fighting is genuine then it is good for strengthening the bond of marriage and helps in developing a mutual understanding between us.
The author of famous book “MAKE UP DON’T BREAK UP” Bonny Anchor Wheel is a well known Couple therapist in New York and says “Fight is that part of household which keeps it moving. If the couples do not fight then there are many issues which remain unresolved between the couples and might lead to friction between the couples”. SO we can say that fighting between couples is absolutely normal. If the fights are taking place at some intervals then it will help in increasing the bond of love between the couples. Do fight but there should be some ground rules of fighting which should be followed to have a healthy fight. Here are five of them which you can follow and make your relationship healthy and strong.
Set time limit for fight or altercations- Like if your husband gives permission to your young daughter to watch a late night movie with friends, then do not start fighting with him then and there. Give him time and space to justify himself. Let the matter and the objections loose when you get back home, so that even he can prove his point. Tell him what you felt bad about and when he is trying to give the reasons listen to them politely. Do not make faces or interrupt in between when he is trying to explain his action. Just stay neutral and do not start talking about the old fights and issues because this will spoil the relationship between you and him. The time limit for a fight should be set it should be for 15 minutes minimum and maximum overnight. Do not extend it further like a rubber band and never repeat the topic for fight again and again.
Complain about the behaviour not the person- Do not or avoid using this sentence that you are just bothered about yourself, as this sentence hurts personal feelings. Generally when we fight and put allegations on our counterpart the other person starts defending, Let the first one speak first and then the other one will get time to defend and prove himself or herself right. This way we get deflected from the real reason for fighting. Try not to pin point your spouse or start blaming for everything rather try to resolve the main issue first. Explain the reason for the fight in a logical manner to your spouse and do not start blaming. Try to be sympathetic towards him and explain him 5the cause. It is not just that the kids need to be explained and guided sometimes we elders also need the explanations and proper guidance. Do not live with the notion that you are always right; give him the opportunity to explain his reasons too. Always try to be a good listener this will help in resolving the fights easily and make the fights healthy too.
LEARN WHAT YOU WANT TO CHANGE- Always be sure what you want to change in your spouse and just let him know about the habit or the things which you do not like about him and then give him some time to work upon them. Do not keep on pricking all the time about the same habit again and again as it might irritate him and can result in big fight. Try to put your views in a decent and logical manner, so that your spouse gets to know what is there in it for him. Tell him the benefits of the change and them let hi m decide whether he wants the change or not, do not pressurise him. Try telling him the same things in a cool and loving tone which you always scream at him and just see the effect.
End the fight on a POSITIVE NOTE- do not finish the fight on a negative not like you will never change , just roll the role ball in his court and see the dramatic effect. Researchers suggest that after every fight women always look for emotional support in men and men look for both emotional as well as physical support in women. So just KISS and let it go and give a tight HUG to your partner. Try to appreciate his patience after the fight and tell him that you felt nice when he listened to you patiently. This will make the bond of love between both of you stronger and you will tell him about your love and feelings too.
Try to bury the hatchet- never ever carry the fights to your bed it will spoil your physical relationships too. Women generally try to pacify their fights by getting closer physically to their spouses due to higher estrogens levels. SO just appreciate her step and go with the flow. Express your love to the fullest and leave all the stress about the fight to be one again.
After the tension it is time to get along and be one again so if your spouse is not talking to you try to make the atmosphere funny by cracking jokes. Use kids as a tool to patch up, because patch-up is also necessary to make the relationship normal. Thus by following these ground rules while fighting you can make your relationship with your spouse more healthy and understanding.